Ah if you are reading this, first of all I am sorry, because you are probably struggling like I do with being an angry mama.
Also, I know that you really want to stop being so angry as a mom. I know you and me want to be gentle and kind as a mom, but why the crazy anger suddenly bubbling up from a small child making a loud sound or losing their shoes?
I have good news, because I really believe there is a way forward out of this struggle. Just in the last 6 months I have had major breakthroughs in the mama anger department, so I hope some of the tips I share will be a help to you as well.
If you would rather watch than listen, I have a YouTube video talking through How to Stop Being so Angry as a Mom for you.
In my darkest moments struggling with the uncontrollable mama anger, that seems to come out of nowhere, I need to know there is hope for me to be a kind and gentle mama. And friends, there is hope to change! But first I think we need to admit there is a problem.
1. Admitting There is a Problem with Our Anger
There seems to be three choices when we have gone off the rails and given into the temptation to go mama rage mode.
1. Sink into Deep Shame
2. Dismiss or Minimize the Severity of the Anger
3. Agree that Our Uncontrolled Anger is Not Okay, and Go the Other Way.
Let’s dive into each one and talk about why or why not this is helpful. I know you know the right choice, but let’s explore why we sometimes take the first two options.
Sinking into Deep Shame About Being an Angry Mom
Shame is just paralyzing. I think that is why it so unhelpful to sit in this place for very long. It doesn’t help you and me move forward out of this struggle and it just keeps us in replay mode. You know what I am talking about, you rage throughout the day, you lay down to go to sleep and a low-light reel from the day plays.
In those moments, all the lies come to my mind of why I am the worst mother, why my kids will be mean parents themselves and how I am royally screwing up my kids. All of this, brings me to tears and I shut down.
But I truly believe there is another way, a better way forward. But before we get to that…let’s talk about the other super common option.
Dismissing or Minimizing the Severity of How Anger Impacts Our Soul and Our Kids
I have also been in this camp. So many memes, jokes and reels all crack of how annoying our kids and husbands can be. They make us laugh and it is nice to have a good jokes sometimes and we enjoy how relatable all this content is.
It makes us feel less alone in our struggle, but the issue is when we say, “Yeah, my kids are the reason for my anger or if my husband helped more, I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed.”
I am not here saying that crazy kids and an unhelpful husband aren’t making it harder for us mommas out there, but…
The real reason we are angry is because the anger was already there.
The glass of water analogy seems to work best in my mind. Before motherhood, our glass of water may have seemed clear. No junk floating around. We seemed like a pretty patient and kind person. Then, we had a baby or toddler and boom…our glass of water got bumped. Suddenly, all of this nasty sediment and debris gets stirred up in the glass.
We are shocked, I didn’t think I was an angry person, but it only took the right bump to bring to the surface, what lingered all along.
The truth is unrighteous, out of controlled anger breaks the relationships with the people we love most. We feel the regret at the way we raised our voices and lashed out, because we saw the crack happen. We want to feel connected to our little people more than anything, why oh why do we hurt them with our anger?
I really believe it isn’t motherhood, our kids or even our husband’s fault. It is the sin that was always there lying dormant, waiting to be brought to the surface. So instead of acting like it isn’t a big deal and continuing to walk through motherhood angry and bitter at the others who seem to be provoking the monster inside, I think there is a way forward out of the hell hole of living this way forever.
Agree that Our Uncontrolled Anger is Not Okay, and Go the Other Way.
I really believe that if you don’t read anything else in this post. I hope you will read this…
Repenting of sin means to agree with God about how severe and terrible our sin really is. And then it is the turning away from the continuation of that sin and walking the other way.
I believe personally, that we all want this on some level.
No one really wants to keep on sinning, because the shame that eats you alive when you have indulged is repulsive to our souls. Yet, the more we keep on sinning, the more enslaved to that sin we become. So the BEST thing we can do is repent NOW.
“Be killing sin, or it will be killing you.”
-John Piper
There is ONE major, major thing to know. You and me can’t repent on your own. We need Jesus to help us do this. We need his power, our’s is simply not enough.
We must CRY OUT to Jesus to help us! But we will never cry out if we are numbing ourselves and minimizing our sin. We will only walk deeper and deeper into it.
When we agree with God about our sin and repent (turn away), we start down the pathway toward freedom. The struggle and the fight will continue, but we can have victory now!
It may not 100% come until we are with Jesus in His Kingdom, but the freedom will come. The key is to admit that our anger is a problem, ask Jesus for the power to repent and then decide to walk or RUN the other way.
2. Talk to Someone About the Motherhood Anger
The truth is so many others can relate. Yet, our mind says, “We are the only ones struggling.”
It is just not true! I truly believe that when I first opened up with a close trusted group of women at church about my struggle, the burden I was carrying started to come off my back. Satan doesn’t want us to bring issues out into the open, but instead to stuff it all down and inside.
When I opened up about my anger, I was met with love, encouragement and prayer! It then gave me women I could reach out to when I had small signs of victories in that area and also when I was super struggling and felt like I couldn’t take one more second being on the clock as a mom.
I truly believe we were never meant to go at this life alone, so talking through the struggle to a couple of trusted and wise people is a great place to start.
3. Choose Another Way-It is Quick Decision!
This was my breakthrough moment! There is a super quick moment, its less than a second, where a thought will fly into my brain after the trigger happens. In this moment, I can choose! If you don’t believe me, ask Jesus to show you the moment to choose the next time a mama anger trigger happens.
In those triggered angry moments my default usually goes something like this…
-“I am about to lose it!”
-“I’m about to losing my &^%$# mind!”
-“I can’t do this!”
Ok something along those lines and then kaboom! I blow up, but I have noticed that I have to be prepared for these moments and when my brain goes default with all these toxic thoughts, I have to be ready to replace, replace, replace.
So instead it looks like this…
-“Breathe, they are just being little, I can do this, I can do this.”
-“Jesus help me to be kind, loving and gentle.”
-“Ok, I just need to take a moment, this is not urgent…go to your room and just cool off.”
When I can step out of the chaos for just a second and calm down, the logical side of my brain can regain control and I am not longer ruled by the crazy hot-tempered emotional side. When the emotional side of my brain is keyed up, it actually inhibits the logical side that I need to stay in control, so calming down is KEY!
Recap:
You and me can overcome this struggle with mama anger. You and me can become gentle, loving and kind mamas. Can we do it alone? Not a chance, but when we invite Jesus, others we trust and some good replacement thoughts on board we can begin the fight.
The territory will not be regained over night, but it can be regained. Jesus is capable of restoring the years that the locust have destroyed. Invite him into the struggle. Your worth and His love are not measured by this struggle. If you and me are in Christ we are NEW and we have all the access to the power we need to overcome any sin struggle, but we have to admit there is a problem, repent and most of all ask for help to change.
Need more help replacing your thoughts? Get specific scripture on board, pray through them and ask the Lord to help replace your old toxic thoughts with His thoughts from the Word.